As the cameras flash into my eyes, I hear: Gucci Handelsman, we are very excited about your upcoming performance at Bar Nancy…when will your next performance…after 305 FEST be?
“Um…Well you know…” I stutter with anxiety… “We’ve been celebrating Jerry Garcia’s birthday on August 1st at Redlands Barn these past few years…some shows in the Philly/Pittsburgh area soon….Gainesville in October….Amsterdam..Tokyo…”
Suddenly, a young Caucasian with beaded dreadlocks holds a Gucci Handelsman hat to their head: “My friend went on a date wearing a Gucci Handelsman shirt… but I didn’t know you were a Deadhead,” they said; handing me a $20 bill for hat and tie-dyed Gucci Handelsman shirt…at the merch table…which you will visit at your earliest convenience…dear reader.
“I love Cherry Garcia ice cream…” I answer, “Jerry was like the Andy Warhol of guitar.”
‘You’re kinda like a stand-up comic…” they said, while diligently going through Gucci Handelsman products, “not that your songs are funny or corny… but you always have new material…”
I watch them Zelle me as my phone buzzes the cha-ching notification.
“What’s that new song Green Room about? Like what does: ‘Slangin Shards’ mean?” they ask.
My mind drifts back many fortnights ago…I see the Churchill’s Pub green room, where the architects of the Rolling Loud Fest were weighing coke on scales with confidence and power…everybody knew they were on the right track. Early 2000’s LA green room with: Tony Danza, The Rock, and John Ritter (RIP). Then I am in the Judge Mathis Green Room (which I have written more about in SCAM 25th Anniversary Issue) …
“Even walking around the woods is a green room,” I say.
“Are all your songs about balls?” asks a person wearing a Gucci Handelsman scarf.
“Not really,” I answer.
“They said you were like…. the creepiest person they ever met…” said their friend with the Gucci Handelsman tote-bag filled with Karl Marx books and an ipad.
Members of another local rock band (Bobby Peru) purchase a new shirt and a copy of the most recent Kyle’s Files cassette. “We got the GOD IS MUSIC shirts and lyric booklets… one night we were drinking saké and reading the lyrics out loud… Gucci Handelsman is like a rock and roll Kerouac!”
“I was always way more into Burroughs,” I reply.
“I saw Steve Brooks from Floor wearing a Gucci Handelsman shirt,” mentioned the legend who we cannot name here.
“Do you still play any Ghost of Dirty songs?”
And yes… I also take Zelle and Cash App.
Each transaction CREATES a better feeling about life with no thoughts of pondering death.
The nights fade into oblivion…the venue staff counting fast Benjis…people outside waiting for Ubers….I have about an hour drive ahead…I break everything down and pack it in my car…I sing new song lyrics while driving home on the empty 4am highway…windows open with a grateful smile shouting, “I LOVE MY BRAIN!”
Even though our already scarce Live Venues are getting knocked down and transformed into luxury condos… there is still a thriving community of experimental musicians making EPIC MIAMI NOISE.
“Jason, a Black Van with tinted windows has been parked around the corner from our headquarters for over 48 hours…let’s talk at a later date…and please toss the burner.”
Wednesday July 3rd 2024, Miami Music Archive Presents 305 Fest with Putty Knife, Red Dungeon, Wetflix, Educated Fleas, Adhesive, Girl Heaven, Mescaline Jellybeans, Echo Beauty Terror, DBZ/Kenny Millions/Rat/Bristol, Gucci Handelsman and DJ Rat at Bar Nancy, 2007 SW 8th Street. No cover.
