This is a transcription of the intervention certain cities brought against Miami. Dr. Chowders is in charge. The date, January 1st, 2024. Location, undisclosed.
(Dr) “Miami? Can I call you Miami? I heard they also call you Miam-ah. Please have a seat. Of course you should recognize everyone in this room but me. My name is Dr. Chowders. An unfortunate last name, I know. Well, I’m here because these loving people here are concerned you’ve become unlivable. Now, they each have something to tell you. Out of respect, I hope you won’t leave, but listen to them with an open mind and an open heart.”
(MIA) “Fuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuu.”
(Dr) “Right. If that means you’ll stay then we’re in business. Okay. Thank you. We appreciate you staying. To start things off, your neighbor to the East, Key Biscayne would like to say a few words.”
(KB) “Umm do I just-? (clears throat) Dear Miami. What you’ve done to your face? So many buildings. With no end in sight. You must realize all these surgeries will only destroy what was so magical about your face. You’re hardly recognizable. But it’s not too late. You can reverse some of these procedures. All you have to do is accept you have a problem.”
(MIA) “I like how I look! I look like billions of dollars.”
(KB) “Yeah, well, I may not look like much, but I look like me. And that’s worth a lot.“
(Dr) “Next we have, um… um…”
(HIA) “Jwee are here as an act of solidarity con todo mis ciudad amigos. Too be honest, to us, Miami is beyond help. Pero we feel bad.”
(MIA) “If Hialeah feels bad for me I must be in trouble.”
(Dr) “Hialeah didn’t have to be here. Goes to show how much love there is for you. Kendall here has something to tell you.”
(KEN) “Hey Miami. Uh, I’d like to speak to you about your, uh… toxic relationship with traffic.”
(HIA) “Ja! And what about the parking? I’m surprise Miami don’t charge for parking on the Palmetto.”
(Dr) “Please sit back down, Miami. Kendall specifically asked to address this issue. That took courage. We all know traffic has become an all-consuming aspect of your struggle. Let Kendall finish.”
(KEN) “Look. We’ve all had our struggles with traffic. Isn’t that right. Coconut Grove?”
(CCG) “Totally.”
(KEN) “Miami Beach?.”
(MB) “We slip sometimes. Mostly due to construction. But we are in a 12 step program. We meet twice a week. I make the coffee.”
(KEN) “Aventura couldn’t be here, but they sent over this lovely charcuterie board. They themselves have their own battles with traffic. But we can all agree, your traffic is ranked worst in the nation. People don’t like leaving their homes for fear of using your roads. Nobody looks out for their fellow drivers. The speed, Miami. It makes no sense. It feels like we, the nice drivers who want to live, are doing something wrong, getting in the way of the bad drivers who most likely want to die.”
(CCG) “Miami’s traffic either doesn’t move at all or goes three times the speed limit. Hey, do you guys remember I had a Planet Hollywood?”
(MIA) “This a lot. You guys are out of control. We drive fast because we leave late. We gotta get ready. We gotta get cute. It’s competitive out there, bro.”
(Dr) “Um, I believe Homestead had only three letters to discuss. Homestead?”
(HS) “BBL. As in Brazilian Butt Lifts, Doc.”
(MIA) “(laughing)”
(HS) “It’s a silent scourge. Their legs don’t match their butts.”
(MIA) “(still laughing)”
(Dr) “Coral Gables, it’s good of you to make it.”
(MIA) “I feel like you guys are low key jealous..”
(CG) “No, Miami, we’re high key concerned. Or whatever. It’s already sad you have numbers instead of names for your roads. But I’m not here to bully you, I feel sad for you.”
(MIA) “You feel sad for me?! Name ONE good nightclub in Coral Gables, aside from Books and Books…. Cool, didn’t think so.”
(CG) “Miami you need some class. I’m here because I care. You have ten microbreweries for every one library.“
(MIA) “Because I’m fun, bitches.”
(KB) “Coral Gables has a point. A little culture wouldn’t hurt.”
(MIA) “What are you talking about?! I HAVE EVERY CULTURE IN THE WORLD!”
(Dr) “Alright. Let’s calm down. I think you’re doing great, Miami. We’ve hurled a lot at you and you could’ve walked. But you haven’t yet. Is there anything you wanna say?”
(MIA) “Is this all I’m seen as? Shit traffic? Big butts? No road names? Fine you wanna talk shit? My politicians! Nobody’s mentioned them, yet. I mean, c’mon. No one’s more corrupt, nor more brazen than my politicians. You see? I know me better than any of you. I’ll do you one better. I have an auto immune disorder, my own people are trying to kill me.”
(Dr) “But if you could turn it all around… if you could inspire the people to do better… if you knew this rehab would actually work… if you accepted the blame instead of dishing it out… would you do it? Or do you think, man, this is how a town should roll? Neighbor hating neighbor. Everyone out for each other. The most multi cultural city probably in the country is the most criminal. Yet even with all your problems, thousands migrate to you, wanting a sliver of your magic. And they pay handsomely for it, too.”
(MIA) “Kinda crazy, no?”
(HIA) “Don’t give up on yourself, Miami. Take the help. You and I go way back. It was your idea to start a dollar theater. That became a golden era. Our last golden era. That was you.”
(MIA) “(thinking)”
(Dr) “You can put your hand down, Wynwood. Go ahead.”
(WW) “Yo, I may not be as old as any of you, and we mostly deal in foot traffic, but maybe we all make Miami feel so shitty, and in turn, it became so shitty.”
(KB) “Thanks Wynwood for your infinite wisdom.”
(MIA) “So I uh… I think I’d like to get that help you guys are talking about. I’m ready for my next golden era. Will this rehab have a spa?”
(MB) “We didn’t even bring up your debilitating cocaine habit.”
(KEN) “Jeez, Miami Beach.”
(MB) “What?”
(Dr) “Okay, everyone. Say goodbye to this Miami and soon you’ll say hello to a new Miami. One without homicidal traffic. One without radical surgical procedures. One without yet another ridiculous high rise being erected.”
(WW) “Erected. Lolz”
(NM) “Oh shit, y’all done? My bad. Miami you got this, cuh.”
(Dr) “Thanks North Miami. Glad you could make it. We were just finishing up. Miami accepted it has a problem. It’ll be seeking progressional care. As I was saying, it was high time Miami gets the help it needs. And while it does, we should do our best to be the best, for not only Miami, but all the cities that we live out our lives in. This is Dr. Chowders speaking. Be well. Signing off.”
End tape.
