Let’s face it; Miami is flat. What we have in perpetual beach days, endless palm trees, and year-round summer, we lack in elevation and mountains. I’m sure to most, this seems like a great deal, but to the small niche of rock-climbers located in South Florida—mainly in the climbing gyms of X-treme Rock Climbing in West Kendall and Project Rock in Fort. Lauderdale—this leaves the deprived climber in an endless reverie. While various reasons keep a climbers chalky hands at bay, we compiled a list of spots in Miami that climbers always wished they could climb.
The Frost Museum Planetarium
The giant spherical dome of the Frost Museum must leave climbers drooling when gazing at the great white beast. The smooth lines of concrete where you could nibble just your finger-tips against a viscous incline sparks imagination in a crag of skyscrapers.
The Dadeland Mall Tower
As I would drive by Dadeland Mall as a kid, I would always think how cool it would be to be on top of that mint-green tower which welcomes thousands of families everyday. The views from up top would reflect an endless stretch of 88th street to the West and the homes of Pinecrest all the way to the East.
Government Center at Doral
This may be the only structure on the list that is actual rock—specifically limestone. The boulder is located in a nice grassy area that would be lovely for a picnic while you dream away your climbing angst.
I’m sure the sculptor of Coral Castle, Edward Leedskalnin, never thought or even wanted people dreaming of climbing his delicately crafted work. I’m also sure Leedskalnin never believed that competitive rock climbing would be an Olympic sport either. But this does show how art made from the confines of stone can keep our animal instincts alive.
The Christmas Tree at Santa’s Enchanted Forest
A towering hodgepodge of lights, steel, and synthetic foliage. The top would be a bombastic traffic nightmare with mediocre views of the Palmetto Expressway. At least all the fried food is delicious.
Disclaimer: Climbing is extremely dangerous and we do not condone nor permit climbing any of these structures. This is purely satirical.