Bro, I’m not going to lie, I’ve had gunshot wounds less painful than watching the Miami Heat go out like that in the playoffs to the Cleveland Cavaliers.
We lost by 55 points!
What kind of $#!+ is that?
I remember when losing by twenty points was embarrassing. Pat Riley must be rolling in his grave if some worm crawling in his rotting ear told him the score.
How the hell could this happen?
Anyone could figure out trading our best player Jimmy Butler wasn’t smart. Especially for that pupu platter the Golden State Warriors gave us for a Heat legend. Andrew Wiggins? Bum. Kyle Anderson? I’ve played ball high as fuck and moved quicker than that fool. #20 draft pick? Great, we can pick another bum.
Things got so bad in that playoff beatdown that even certified pigeon Terry Rozier wanted no part in it. I got it on good authority that Scary Terry told Coach Spo that he refused to enter the game because he was worried federal authorities would investigate him again for throwing games.
My beloved team is in shambles. What can they do?
You came to the right place because I got the easy answers.
Trade every single player on the Miami Heat
I don’t care what you get for them, just ship them all out. You lose by 55 to the damn sorry ass Cleveland Cavaliers, you not fit to wear the uniform of Dwyane Wade and Mario Chalmers. I could find five guys at a pickup game at Tropical Park that would only lose by 45 to the Cavs. Ship all them bums out.
Recruit Udonis Haslem to warm the bench again
We ever lose by 55 when UD was taking up a roster spot and collecting paychecks just for showing up? I don’t think so. Them boys play a lot harder if they know if they get benched they gotta hear Haslem chirping in their ear.
Move Pat Riley’s body
Call me superstitious, but I thought that was effed up that they buried Pat Riley under the basketball court at the arena and named the court Pat Riley Court. That ain’t right. Let him rest in peace. The Godfather earned it. If I was dead and had to hear all them bouncing balls and squeaking sneakers I’d be haunting the team and cursing them with all kinds of bad basketball karma too.
Get rid of that Dwyane Wade statue
Yo, I been saying from day one, that $#!+ is spooky. How you supposed to ball when you worried about that ugly ass monstrosity coming to life and terrorizing you and everybody you love?
