This Hurricane Dorian Update Is Sponsored by Publix, Home Depot & ExxonMobil

Welcome back to Day 5 of our continuing coverage on Hurricane Dorian. This looks to be a monster storm that will end civilization as we know it. With more anxiety inspiring updates let’s turn to our chief meteorologist, Cookie Cutter. Cookie…

Thanks, Chip. As you can see from this giant drawing of a scary ninja star in a bright red circle, Hurricane Dorian could hit anywhere in Florida. Nowhere is safe! By the time it hits the coast it could conceivably be a Category 63 hurricane that could or could not set off a zombie apocalypse. That is not to say that the undead will rise. Just be prepared for the possibility.

This sounds like a real dangerous storm, Cookie. One that our viewers should be prepared for.

That’s because it is, Chip. Everyone should head out to Publix right now and buy as many things as you can! Especially bottled water. Repeat! Do not fill up reusable containers with tap water that you can obtain currently from your faucets. Instead buy the bottled water. And now a word from our sponsors….

We at FPL will do everything we can to help you survive Hurricane Dorian.  When power goes out our workers will be out there immediately bringing your power back. We will start with the rich neighborhoods and eventually make our way down to yours, because we care. FPL, because you have no choice but to deal with us.

This is Chip Steele and we’re back with our around the clock Hurricane Dorian coverage. Right  now we have Jose Cuervo reporting live on the sands of South Beach. Jose…

Thanks Chip. As you can see here some surfers are not listening to the governor’s advice of everyone staying home and watching the news. They’re out there catching waves when they should be home terrified. Excuse me sir, why are you risking your life being outside?

Bro, it’s nice out. Besides you’re out here too.

That’s because I’m providing an important pubic service reminding everyone to get stocked up on Pop Tarts and to fill up the gas tanks of their cars and to take out some cash from ATM’s.  These are all things you should be doing instead of being outside looking at the majesty of mother nature. Chip, let me remind our viewers at home. This is the real deal.  This is not like last year or the year before that, this is the storm that could kill you and everyone you love.

That’s a good reminder, Jose. It’s important that you the viewers at home to not think of the storm as a metaphor for how the future is unknowable. That we are all always living in a cone of uncertainty, but rather distract yourself from that idea and deceive yourself into thinking if you stock up on consumer goods everything will be OK. So do not question how your unyielding desire for more air conditioning, further commutes in your gas guzzling vehicles, and your  desire for blueberries exported from Chile contributed to the warming waters that make hurricanes more frequent. Just sit back, relax and embrace our continuing coverage of Hurricane Dorian.

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David Rolland

David Rolland edits the Jitney blog. He is the author of the novels Yo-Yo & The End of the Century.