Oh, death. The longer we remain alive, the more bound to be stroked with death’s paint brush within each of our circles of friends and family.
Sometimes it barely leaves a mark, and you have to search for it by asking yourself how well you knew that person. How much of a part of your life were they? But when it’s truly close to you, it stains you red all over. Your skin and clothes all seem crimson no matter how much try to bathe or what you wear. The stain of grief is all that you see and all you are for a while.
Sometimes forever.
Enter the exponential evolution of social media into our lives. The doppelgangers that are our social media identities are precious and coveted my millions in this country and around the world. They most often display a reality that each account holder carefully curates to show the world.
Sushi dinners at sunset with their significant others. Partying at a club with their friends. Pictures of their babies, (Ugg. Please dial that back a bit, people).
But meaningful posts are at a premium for the most part. That is until grief becomes them.
Many people feel angry and alone when they are stroked with the death’s brush, no matter how gently or splattered violently. Social media happily gives everyone a microphone to scream to the world, “Look what happened to me! Isn’t it horrible???”
That is a natural feeling and an understandable thing to want to express. But death is a subjective subject. The way people handle death and the way they perceive how others handle it can vary greatly.
A post or story announcing the death of a family member, close friend, or acquaintance can pull at heartstrings or trigger the follower who stumbles upon it as they scroll through their day. Everyone has their own perception, based on their own experiences, of how a life loss should be expressed.
So, my question is this: Where is the line?
Where is the line between either simply expressing grief on social media or just making it about them? Where is that line, and who decides where the line is?
I recently heard, via social media, of the tragic death of an acquaintance who frequented a venue I have performed and hung out at for several years. Not so much the last few years, but I knew her, and I was saddened by the news.
My feed was immediately inundated with post from friends and acquaintances, mostly musicians, who clearly wanted to express their feelings about the loss. Many of the posts from those who were clearly the true friends of the deceased resonated true. I felt sympathy for both the grief stricken as well as their friend who was lost. It made me wish that I had gotten to know her better when I had the chance so many times.
But as I scrolled on, many of the posts and stories made me pause. Some made me angry. Angry for the representation of the loss of a woman I barely knew.
Lazy bona fides were given in the form of pictures of the person posting with the deceased. To me, those posts screamed, “Look at me! I lost somebody and I’m really sad! Please like and comment about my loss!”
The posts clearly reeked as self-serving and attention grabbing. It was obvious, I thought. The woman who died could no better see those posts than someone’s infant could enjoy a “Happy first birthday to (insert baby’s name)” post.
That shit was for them.
The venue owner, a true friend of the victim, was distraught and organized a memorial event in his lost friend’s honor. Musicians who knew her were asked and volunteered to perform. I was not able to attend, but I understand that many friends and family alike gathered that day and it was in many ways a beautiful occasion in her honor.
A noble gesture from the venue owner, indeed.
But from the posts that resulted, I saw a lot of musicians (not all) jockeying for stage time in someone else’s honor. That made me feel…petty.
Where’s the line? Who am I to judge and scoff at another person/musician/friend’s grief and determine that it isn’t genuine? Where is the line of expressing grief via social media or on stage that I find acceptable and who am I to decide?
One person took it upon themselves to write and post a song about the woman’s tragic death that could easily be consumed as tone deaf and off-putting. The on-the-nose, childish lyrics, might and probably will offend some of those who loved the deceased.
I was offended by listening to it. At best, it’s a terrible song to me. But some might not be offended. Some might find it beautiful and nowhere near the line. Who is anybody to decide?
Social media is useful, but it is also a reflective monster that mirrors the best and the worst of us. But seldom the true “us”. I would imagine that the individual line is determined by those we surround ourselves with.
If your friends and family all feel that talking on the phone loudly in a quiet, but full, doctor’s waiting room is ok, then I guess it’s ok to be that asshole on the phone. To them.
Look… I have literally made a living on grief. It’s in my songs. It’s in my storytelling. I literally wrote and performed in entire production of “The Blues Opera” that was based on my personal grief!!!
That was my artistic vehicle that I used to express my grief in order to try and heal myself and others. That in no way makes me an expert. Perhaps it only made me think that I was on the right side of the line.
Everyone has their line. The next time you see a grief-post, ask yourself if you feel what you feel for the person posting a reaction to them, or a result of your own experiences.
Examine where your line is and why. It’s worth asking. That will perhaps help you learn something about yourself.
… Just don’t be that asshole on the phone in a waiting room.
