We all know that NBA players are Mother Nature’s finest creations. The stamina! The power!
But there are definitely a few players you’ll want to gaze upon for their sheer loveliness. So today, I’m shifting the female/gay/gayish gaze to spotlight these dudes in a way that is hopefully not too perverted.
You’ll notice that I’m biased toward hot Miami Heat players because #305TillIDie is a real thing and there’s something about living in Miami makes you more physically appealing. Just look at pictures of me from seven years ago compared to now! Maybe it’s all the sweating?
With that said, here is more of a thirsty discussion than a list. And for more of my not-so-serious takes follow my Substack, Not a Serious Life.
Caleb Martin
This list is not ranked, but if it was, this man would be #1.
With his curled lashes and pouty lips, Caleb Martin (Miami Heat) is like a gigantic, gorgeous Gerber baby.
I recently found out that he’s a twin. His brother Cody plays with the Charlotte Hornets. Two is definitely better than one.
And I have two words for Martin: Hubba and hubba.
Max Strus (Cleveland Cavaliers, formerly Miami Heat)
He looks like a super handsome French club owner who talks over your head at hotter people behind you when you’re just trying to ask for a free drink at the bar.
Kevin Love (Miami Heat)
is the best looking dad at pickup who chats kindly with even the goofiest moms. I appreciate the salt and pepper situation going on upstairs, too. It feels very honest.
Jimmy Butler (Miami Heat)
has the most incredibly flawless skin and particularly regal features. Lucky is the sweat that glistens on his shoulders.
And silly is sexy. This dreamboat sang Mario’s “Let Me Love You” karaoke and embraces his emo side.
Jayson Tatum (Boston Celtics)
is a Drake-alike but if Drake had really well-composed features. I am not a Tatum fan, but I’m including him as a courtesy to my son who is obsessed with him (though he doesn’t know what this list is about).
Zach LaVine (Chicago Bulls)
is like the hottest guy in your dorm who gets so high he can’t talk but those bedroom eyes keep you hanging out.
Damian Lillard (Milwaukee Bucks)
is not a pretty boy like the rest on this list. He is a solid, manly man. And you’ll also be watching him because he’s the buzziest player of the season.
Kelly Oubre Jr. (Philadelphia 76ers)
has come-hither eyes in every single picture. He’s like if Cree Summer’s character in A Different World had a gorgeous brother who visits her at school and the entire of Hillman College spends the episode trying to bed him.
Kyle Kuzma (Washington Wizards)
is on this list because his Bad Bunny style counts for a lot. I love a little haute court couture. I also watch basketball for the sneakers.
