New Driving Rules & Regulations Going into Effect in Miami-Dade on April 1

This is just a friendly reminder to all drivers in Miami-Dade County about the new rules and regulationsĀ  that go into effect April 1 to help us stay a little safer on the road.

  • Breathalyzers will not just test for B.A.L. (Blood Alcohol Level), but also B.C.L. (Blood Cafecito Level).
  • Drivers who do not pull to the right for emergency vehicles, become ineligible to receive aid from emergency services for the next five years or until they gain a conscience, whichever comes first.
  • All automobiles must be brought in for rewiring so thatĀ  changing lanes without putting on your turn signal givesĀ  said driver a minor electric shock.
  • Speeding up to prevent a driver with their turn signal on from changing lanes will lead to a major electric shock.
  • Driving slow in the passing lane will lead to an electric chair caliber shock.
  • All Uber and Lyft drivers who block traffic to drop off or pick up passengers will have a banana stuck up their tail pipe.
  • That previous rule was not in any way a sexual double entendre.
  • Unless that is the Uber or Lyft driver is extremely egregious in blocking traffic .
  • Honking the horn less than two seconds after the light turns green will cause honker’s car speakers to blast talk radio at maximum volume for the remainder of their journey.
  • Taking more than three seconds to move after light turns green will cause slowpoke’s car speakers to blast talk radio at maximum volume for the remainder of their natural lives.
  • Sadly, this is all an April Fool’s joke, so Miami you may continue to drive like maniacs without fear of appropriate consequences.


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David Rolland

David Rolland edits the Jitney blog. He is the author of the novels Yo-Yo & The End of the Century.