My living arrangement is temporary.
I found myself in a predicament. I was not necessarily homeless. Thank God for lots of siblings/family and friends who gave me extended stay and support. But I was most certainly without a home. I had the opportunity to take a job as a live in house manager/caregiver for a family I’m very close to.
This would give me a stable place to stay while I figured out my next move. I was disinterested in performing stand up, Covid had squelched that for me, and going back to corporate work didn’t light me up. I had been working my ass off for years, 40 of them to be exact and after a series of unfortunate events, I stand here at 55 with very little, close to nothing.
Just ten years ago I owned a multi million dollar business. It can happen to anyone. I was dumbfounded. In disbelief at the state of my state. I have worked so hard, for so long, and for what? There are no guarantees. It felt like the right time to do something that makes me happy. Something I would not need or want a partner involved in.
I took a 6 months masterclass, and many various programs and courses, and received my certification as a life coach. Cool stuff, quantum stuff. Ran a bunch of boot camps for women, had the outline for a six week program called the “art of self-care”, a course I took in 2014 that changed my life. My mentor and friend created it, and further entrusted it to me in 2020 with the hopes I would teach it (huge lesson in embodiment in there).
I tried to start up my coaching business and quickly came to understand that I wasn’t taking care of myself at all. I was still spreading myself too thin. Still trying to do too much. I didn’t know how to deal with distractions and time management. I was putting others needs above my own. Chronic people pleasing ways needed to end. Funnels and content and zoom calls OH MY.
How did I think I could teach other people to do this? I had to walk the walk. It’s taken me three years to get to baseline. At a place where I feel I can actually build again. As my authentic self. Without need of approval, permission or the consideration of anyone. It was exciting and scary. I love creating and seeing things evolve.
Now, I have shelter, making a bit of money and in the best head space I have ever been in. Liking myself, not criticizing myself, OR OTHERS. I need to get some money in the bank. I’m thinking of where I want to live next. I took a second job, that I get to work from home, or I should say , from this house I live in. And you know how it can be sometimes, as soon as you get a little money in the bank, boom, you need a root canal, boom, your dog needs a vet visit, boom, flat tire.
But I’ve learned the secret to dissolving stress and anxiety. I was frustrated, yes, but quickly shifted to gratitude for being able to pay my dentist. To be able to get my car fixed. To be able care for my four legged best bud, Fritz. The great thing is we all have it within us to deny stress access to us. Anxiety doesn’t have to have power over us. So, I have been living here for over a year and realized I was resisting being comfortable, I would not get my favorite things from storage. I didn’t want to be “moved in”. It’s temporary.
I have always worked hard, particularly post divorce. It was important for me to have a clean, cozy and soft place to land when I got home. Especially after living with a hoarder, I mean, a collector. But this isn’t my home. It’s someone else’s. The room is furnished, as is the house, with someone else’s things. It’s temporary. It’s a beautiful neighborhood that is safe. I have my dog. I don’t have to pay rent. It’s temporary.
What’s not temporary is that I chose me, I picked me, I loved me. I quit drugs, quit cigarettes and instead of drinking 5 or more nights a week, I go out maybe once a month, and with the help of my doctor. Now I’m almost two years free of anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds, and processed 35 years of feelings that I suppressed and ignored. I have finally started to save some money. Not hustling, not crushing, not slaying. Just flowing as best I can with what I know and always open to learning more. Life doesn’t look how I thought it would but it is peaceful. I had to teach myself that calm isn’t boring and chaos isn’t fun. That took some deconstructing. Figuring out what I like to do vs what I have to do.
Anyway, I started decorating today. Tiny spaces like the one pictured. It grounds me. I still have the goal of my own home with the understanding that it will take time and that I can enjoy now, here, this moment, the present. Exercising the same patience, compassion and benefit of the doubt that I have afforded others for a lifetime. You can choose joy, flow and ease at any moment. You get to decide. That’s your magic.
