There’s another epidemic sweeping the charts. A ginormous tsunami of collective weight loss has splashed down across the country, from coast to coast. The power behind such a cataclysmic event is what we’ll call “the pinch”. Once a week. For a nominal fee. That is, with the right insurance. Once pinched, you’re on your way to becoming a fraction of who you used to be. Physically. Potentially, yes, there may be some psychological ramifications.
Now, how long you stay on “the pinch” is apparently up to what your blood sugar levels are up to. However, there are people who wanna stay on this stuff for life. And these days, from what I’ve been streaming and scrolling past, all those participating on TV, in the movies, and on your local social media platforms, are displaying a new body shape with severe skeletal overtones. We’ll call them “ETs”. They can’t hear us.
And “the pinch” isn’t exclusive to one gender, either. This medicine is a level playing field in a world filled with ambiguity. Pinch ‘em all, I say. But beware too much of “the pinch”. You may befall a karmic punchline. Yes, you’ll strut your svelte self. You’ll also go Dorian Gray. And age almost a decade. You may have to catch your face up with your body. It’s a losing battle. But there is hope. You can combat the aging. My comedian wife says body fat is the best natural filler. And I concur. Hell, it’s lab-tested. It’s not lab-tested. The doctors I spoke to, though, all said “Leave a little on ya”. The trick is you don’t want your collarbone becoming a wire hanger. Your knees looking like elbows. You’ve seen this. Some little celeb, a tan wishbone, tip-toeing the red carpet. Look, the camera is unforgiving. I can certainly understand the lengths to which performers have to go to look “presentable” from every angle. And now the dilemma is on us. In our everyday lives. With our corporatized, pocket-sized lenses.
Now, I’m not big on trends. When my man bun showed up in a Gap commercial, my wife gave me that look once again. I knew it was time. Seconds later, my wife had the shears out. Kinda creepy. And in a few minute’s time, my hair was dropped off in a mailbox, on its way to some Cancer-stricken kid in need of some follicle love. Let me switch directions here. Full disclosure: I bought a few shares of the parent company responsible for the medicine inside “the pinch.”. I’m down like 80 bones. Maybe it’s too early. Maybe it’s too expensive. I should probably buy more. I digress. Hey, it’s not a loss if you don’t sell. What’s happening is a medical revolution. You can save your toes from falling off. You too can be a GAP model at least from the neck down.
See, we’re talking almost-complete transformations of one’s own body without working out or getting plastic surgery. Sounds to me we’re tempting the fates. Diabetes for a shake with the devil. Maybe I should be more positive. Some people are ashamed or maybe just embarrassed to disclose their usage. They want others to think that all this weight just melted away. Can’t say I’d blame them. But the asshole thing to wonder is if the reasons some folks became pre-diabetic or simply overweight will still be there once you put down “the pinch”. Leading one back up the same scale having forfeited The Pinch Life. Maybe a psychiatrist should be consulted before making such decisions. I think the same could be said for elective plastic surgery. I totally get making some adjustments. But people are mutilating themselves because they hate aspects of their looks. However, because this is weight loss, perhaps everyone is looking the other way.
If I may close with some suggestions for Hollywood. Stop casting the smallest most tiniest people humanly possible. Women have always been criticized for their weight. Carrie Fisher was famously asked to attend a “fat camp” before shooting Star Wars. Removing ribs was a thing (still is!). But what we’ve entirely overlooked were the guys. The actors. The ones who wear the small suits and carry the big heads on their shoulders. If you see these gentlemen standing next to regular, er, humanity you’ll see how elf-like they are. I honestly think there’s been a silent war waging between male actors and their mirrors. I’d say this disorder may have originated during the years of. Silent filmmaking. Those little lenses needed little bodies. Even today. You can tell by the head. All these guys have huge heads and itsy bitsy bodies. It’s scary. And I don’t think there’s been one single solitary word written about it.
The world’s getting itself nice and skinny these days. The world of science and aesthetic manipulation have collided. And now in this world a miracle drug in our midst. Diabetes is certainly a disease we can see its horizon clearing. It appears we’re living in a time of possibility and longevity. A sci-fi era only seen on our tiny phone screens. For the right price, anything, well, maybe not anything, or no, maybe anything, but whatever it is, they’ll still give it the ol’ college try. And maybe we’ll get the next wonder drug. But for those who can’t afford these things, and insurance companies on the side of their raises not those insured. A life or death problem handled with bullets lately. It’s a none-too-deceptively effective model. And it’s time we drop the whole put the right combination of words together so your doctor can crack our medical codes without them feeling like they’ll be sued.
Am I gonna say it’s all a balance? No. Because it’s not. If we balanced out everything we’d be a pretty damn boring bunch. Do we need to look at ourselves without the glare of social media and celebrity? That’s too easy an answer. I’m embarrassed having brought it up. I could delete it, but I’m trying to “play house” in the more awkward moments of my writing. Like when I write a shit line. The perfect weight is a nightmare number to attain. Yes, my wife and I are both of the opinion we need to keep a few pounds on. It doesn’t have to be pizza weight. You could shove some broccoli in there. When I see thin older folk, they look cursed. A haunted look stuck on their gaunt faces. I believe “the pinch” is here to stay. That’s not a bad thing. It may even turn into a pill one day. That day I’ll be glad I bought those shares.
