Udonis Haslem Needs to Get a Real Job

Yo! The Heat stank it up this year. What up with that?

Some people hatin on Jimmy Buckets. Others yelling at Bam. Some say Spo should be fired.

I know who to blame.

Udonis Haslem.

Some y’all that ain’t die hard Heat fans be like why blame UD? That fool retired years ago. Might as well hate on Shaq and LeBron for the Heat stank if you going to be like that?

Bro I got news for you. It might be 2021 and we got self-driving cars and shit but Udonis Haslem is still on the Miami Heat.

Let me take it back  to teach how this happened.

Back in 2010 when the godfather Pat Riley signed LeBron, Wade and Bosh they all wanted Udonis Haslem too. Haslem took less dough to stay in the MIA, but UD said to Riley you got to keep paying me until I retire. Riley was like yeah yeah. But the Godfather got got. Riley thought UD would retire like normal guys when they got too old to jump. But UD a gangsta. He like I’m going to keep getting paid until I’m dead.

So now Haslem close to 50 and he still getting paid to put on a Heat uniform. Usually at the end of ass whoopins players at the end of the bench like Udonis Haslem got to go in the games to rest the stars. Not UD. He like me playing is disrespectful. And he stays sitting on the bench eating popcorn and sippin. And he still get paid!


Then one night Spo like, “Udonis Haslem you gotta play!”

You know what UD do? He pretend gets in a fight with Dwight Howard three minutes into the game. The refs kicked him out of that game and he never played again. UD got paid $2,565,000 last year to play three minutes.

Udonis Haslem is the highest paid player per minute in the history of basketball!

And after throwing some chairs around in the middle of another game cause he didn’t like where they were making him sit, Udonis Haslem said he’d be back in a Heat uniform next year.

I know everyone scared of UD. Heat players so scared of Haslem they voted him teammate of the year even though he don’t even play. But it time someone tell UD he need to get a real job so the Heat can have someone on the bench who want to play. Maybe they can take UD to Best Buy. I saw a sign they hiring there.

But it ain’t going to be easy. Udonis Haslem want to keep cashing those NBA checks. He’ll be back next year.

Watch out chairs.

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Arturo Gaudi

Arturo Gaudi eats, sleeps and drinks all things Miami Heat.