Ultra and Calle Ocho Are Cancelled. What Will Coronavirus Close Next in Miami?

March 6, 2020 – Without a single known case of coronavirus reported in South Florida, the City of Miami took the unprecedented steps of canceling both Ultra Music Festival and Calle Ocho. At the risk of looking insensitive if COVID-19 does turn out to be a biblical plague, we look into our satirical crystal ball to see what other closures the City of Miami with their better-safe-than-sorry policy, might enforce due to coronavirus .

March 26, 2020 – Miami Marlins must play opening game in empty stadium.

After overhearing someone coughing, Miami city commission declares Major League Baseball will go on in Miami, just that no fans will be allowed to attend the games. “People might joke that no one goes to Marlins games anyway, but this is really going to hurt us,” said Miami manager Don Mattingly. “Those eight fans who regularly attend Marlins games really distract the opposing pitcher.”

April 14, 2020 – The cancellation of Morie Sipowicz’s weekly poker game.

“I was shocked,” said Coconut Grove resident Morie Sipowicz when told by city officials his Thursday night Texas hold ’em home game would have to be called off until further notice.  “We’ve been playing every week since 2006. but if it stops even one person from being infected I’ll do what the city asks.”

May 5, 2020 – All Cinco de Mayo parties are to be postponed indefinitely.

“This is a no-brainer,” a county press release stated. “Though Corona beer obviously does not cause coronavirus, we can’t take the risk of keeping things business as usual. On the night when more Coronas are consumed than any other, we will not take the chance that someone accidentally drinks a laboratory specimen of COVID-19 thinking they are downing a nice, cold beer.”

June 9, 2020 – Miami ramps up spraying of mosquitoes.

After a third straight day of rainstorms, city governments opt to spray naled out of airplanes every morning, noon, and night. When reminded by local journalists that coronavirus is not spread by mosquitoes,  a noticeably itchy Miami City Commissioner said, “It stopped Zika, didn’t it?”

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David Rolland

David Rolland edits the Jitney blog. He is the author of the novels Yo-Yo & The End of the Century.