I have little blocks of sharp cheese sitting in front of me. I like to write and then reward myself with a few of the tasty treats.
I reach for a few cheese squares, but Mr. Skeptical blocks out my hand, grabbing a few first. I give him a dirty look. But before I can complain, he casually comments, “I suppose you have a solution to the invasive iguana problem in South Florida?”
I’ll confront his mooching tendencies later. “Yes. I believe I do.”
He leans back in his chair and folds his arms, giving me the most sarcastic look imaginable, while chewing my yummy cheese blocks. “And what makes you an iguana expert?”
I shoot back the snarkiest remark I can muster, “Common sense.”
First, let’s establish that the invasive iguana problem is a real problem.
Last year the city of Miami Beach spent $50,000 on iguana removal. This year they’re going to pay $200,000. Iguanas cause power outages and burrow holes four to six feet deep, but interconnected tunnels can be as long as eighty feet. Females lay clutches of eggs numbering anywhere from 14-76 eggs.
Oh, and another thing. Florida residents can legally kill iguanas as long as it’s done humanely.
The iguanas are invasive because they come from Central and South America. They aren’t native to Florida. Mr. Skeptical perks up, wanting to interrupt me. However, I keep writing fast, ignoring him. Due to climate change causing increasing temperatures in South Florida, the iguanas have adapted very well to the hot and humid South Florida climate.
Mr. Skeptical interrupts me. “So you’re saying along with the Central American immigration problem the U.S. already has, with criminals and fentanyl crossing the border, they are bringing in iguanas too?”
After giving Mr. Skeptical a sardonic look, I say, “No. I didn’t say Central American immigrants bring iguanas to the United States.”
He shrugs he is shoulders. “I’m sure some have. They need food when crossing the border.”
“You’re coming up with some idiotic and racist ideas. Who are you? Are you in QAnon?”
His eyes avert mine, and he doesn’t answer.
Hmmmmm.
In the above pic, you can see all the iguanas chilling out. In the pic above, one iguana is closer as I take the pic. I then moved in closer, scaring the other iguana to move some. But in the lower pic, the giant iguana is simply too comfortable and doesn’t move.
He just sat there and stared me down.
Mr. Skeptical laughs. “I love the pics. The big iguana showed you who’s boss.”
I swallow my pride and grab a few delicious cheese cubes before continuing.
Common sense dictates that we look at countries with lots of iguanas to see if we can learn something from them. And, of course, we can.
“People have been eating iguanas since at least 10,000 years ago, when humans reached the New World tropics. It was a readily available, not-too-dangerous food source. It’s always been part of the diet,” said William Kern, a professor at the University of Florida. USA Today
Mr. Skeptical gets up and starts pacing the room saying, “So this is your common sense.” He brings up his hands to show air quotes around common sense. “Well, I’m not eating iguana. I’m sure it tastes terrible, and it’s a Central and South American thing. It’s un-American.”
“Well, we had a Mexican restaurant in Coral Gables that used to serve iguana in a traditional soup called a pozole.”
Mr. Skeptical stops pacing and stares at me. “I suppose you tried it, right?”
“I wanted to. Unfortunately, since Covid, they’ve stopped serving it. A USA Today article mentioned how some say that iguana can help with colds and increase libido.”
“Sure, of course, it does. Did you go to the restaurant and complain about them not serving iguana?”
“No.”
Mr. Skeptical smiles sarcastically. “You should go to the restaurant and bitch them out. Be sure to use Spanish curse words.”
Yes, it’s looking more and more like Mr. Skeptical may be involved in QAnon.
In Central and South America, iguanas are endangered.
Yes, they are threatened because people eat them. Iguana eggs are considered a luxury food item.
In the 1860s, a gift was given to King Kamehameha V of the Hawaiian Islands. It was eight white-speckled axis deer. The deer breed year-round and have devastated the ecology of the island of Maui. Nevertheless, one company called Maui Nui Venison has turned the problem into a great business. They deliver high-protein Axis deer red meat nationwide.
A few companies do deliver iguana meat. More should do so, but why hasn’t a South Florida entrepreneur opened a restaurant offering iguana meat on the menu? I believe many Floridians would want to eat iguanas simply to help with the overpopulation.
Mr. Skeptical simply shakes his head with a disgusted look on his face. Then his eyes widen and brighten up. Something Machiavellian is cooking in his brain. He says, “The pics of the iguanas are where you park your car, right?”
