Would You Rather Ride a Jet Ski OR Mermaid?

Riding a Jet Ski

Damn. Jet skis are so much fun. This is one of those Miami delights right under our nose yet we so often neglect. In fact, we took an extremely unscientific poll to learn most Miamians have never ridden a jet ski in their lives. Like around 75% — wow, right?

Most of us have never felt the power of Aquaman between our thighs. Never gone down on the Harley Davidson of the ocean, the headless horse of the sea. We’ve never felt the oceanic acceleration, zero to fifty in a few seconds, pounding the tip of the blue, again and again. Crashing into the crescendo of a frothy topped wave, right in your face, splash, boom, splash, boom. Riding one wave into another into another. Pounding the big deep blue with every thrust of your body. Smashing the seas of tranquility with a roaring rage. Smacking it with every thrust. Again and again and again. Smack, splash, boom, splash, boom. Until you are out of gas and head home, right into the sunset. To feel sore the next day in parts of the body you never knew you had.

Riding a Mermaid

Ever since T-Pain’s infamous proclamation of performing coitus on a mermaid, the idea carried more echo than in years past. Probably due to T-Pain’s Autotuned nature of course. You know The Lonely Planet video we are talking about, right? If not, it’s right here.

But this sexualization of the mythological muse is nothing new to Florida. There is a mermaid show in Weeki Wachee Springs,  North of Tampa. If you’re in the area, go. It’s a must. That attraction was one of the largest in the whole country in the 1950’s.

We have had art exhibitions featuring mermaids in Miami. In fact, there is a bar in Ft. Lauderdale (Wreck Bar) featuring mermaids who swim as you drink. It was featured in Analyze This with Robert DeNiro and Billy Crystal. Remember that scene. This is nothing new.

So, Riding a Jet Ski or a Mermaid?

Tough call. But at the end of the day?

Seems pretty apparent the jet ski would be boring and the mermaid a real visceral experience.

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J.J. Colagrande

Has written about Miami culture for almost twenty years, first with The Miami Herald, then Miami New Times and Huffington Post. He's the publisher of The Jitney and a full-time professor.